HOMESCHOOLING TEEN REBELS {Guest Post}

Whether you’re homeschooling teen rebels or not, you’ll gather gems from this post by my guest, Deborah Wuehler and two of her rebels. Deborah is the Senior Editor of The Old Schoolhouse magazine and the mother of eight children. I can’t wait for you to read their stories!

Homeschooling the Teen Rebel

by Deborah Wuehler

“You don’t care about me and what I want. You are ruining my life. You just don’t understand. You never listen to me! I won’t ever need this stuff you are forcing me to do.”

If you have a teen rebel, you have heard something like those statements—maybe a thousand times over. What about these? “I hate you. I wish I wasn’t born into this family. If I could, I would leave this home.” For those of you who don’t have a teen rebel, yes, it is extremely painful living with one when they are downloading these untruths.

And that is exactly what they are: untrue. As parents, we need to keep the “belt of truth” on so that we can defeat those lies. But our warfare is not against our rebel, but against our common enemy.

We need to realize that our children are not just speaking hateful, hurtful things, but that they have a heart that needs to be regenerated by a living, loving God. Your teen rebel is not your enemy, but they have an enemy who is whispering untruth to them constantly. Your job is to speak the truth, because that is what will set them free.

So, before we go further, where do these rebellious teens come from? What do we do with them? How do we cope? Let’s find some answers together.

Some kids are rebellious outwardly, and some are made to be strong in spirit—it is who they are! We must not crush who they are, but affirm who they were made to be: rebels for Christ!

Where Do Teen Rebels Come From?

Teens that are a bit rebellious are pretty common, but teens that really rebel are not as easy to find, especially in home-school circles. But I bet there is a family or two you know who has a true rebel. Some kids are rebellious outwardly, and some are made to be strong in spirit—it is who they are! We must not crush who they are, but affirm who they were made to be: rebels for Christ!

There are as many reasons for teens to rebel as there are rebellious teens, but most of them probably point back to an unregenerate heart of sin that is unwilling to yield itself to authority. We can work with our rebel from a young age to obey mom and dad, but if they are unwilling to obey God by doing so, then they have a bigger underlying problem. We don’t need to nag our rebels with lots of useless words, we only need one source: God’s Word. That is the authority to which you both need to be accountable.

Rebels are not just found in families that are secular or dysfunctional. Rebels are not just found in single parent families. Rebels are not only found in extremely legalistic families. But we like to put labels on these things to try to make sense of them; however, those labels are not always true.

Godly Parents

Some of the best, most Godly parents in the world have raised children who at some point rebel against them and their God. And sometimes, it takes years for the rebel to come to their senses.

Think about Adam and Eve: the first parents who walked physically close with an Almighty God. Yet, what happened to their sons? Think about the many saints in history who started out as rebels but ended up as mighty warriors for the Kingdom of God.

If you have a teen rebel, don’t lose heart. Even the worst of sinners have the opportunity to receive the grace of God. Hang in there and above all, pray!

If you know a family who has a rebellious teen, this is not the time to put on your gown and sit in the judgment seat. Parents of rebel teens already beat themselves up wondering what they did wrong and where they went wrong. This is the time to support them in prayer and understanding. They just might need you to be someone who comes alongside them or their teen as a voice of reason and wisdom. Your voice just might be the voice their teen will listen to since they are not listening to their parents. Show compassion and not judgment and you just might be the vessel that leads that child to repentance.

But if you are the parent of a rebel, how do you deal with these turbulent years? What if you treated them the same way you would treat the rebel of a friend: with grace and mercy and a listening ear. God’s way is merciful and gracious; longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth (Exodus 34:6).

What Do We Do with Teen Rebels?

First, I want you to realize that you only have a short amount of time left with teens. So, every choice you make concerning your teen, and every word you say has to be timely and bear eternal weight. This is not the time to push against them or away from them, rather draw them in close. Spend lots of time with them for the purpose of just listening. The younger ones can wait a bit for your attention while they learn from watching you love the rebel teen.

Teens are an interesting breed of people. They are no longer babies, and not yet adults. Their bodies are changing; their views are changing; their attitudes are changing; their habits are changing; they think they know a lot and don’t think they need help with anything. They stay up late and they sleep in late. They have some head knowledge, but they don’t yet have the wisdom of experience. So, our job is to learn patience, come alongside as a counselor (not a nag) and teach them by example how to live and respond to what life throws their way.

Live Biblically

They can smell a hypocrite parent a mile away—or, maybe just a room away—or even a few angry words away. Teen rebels need to see their parents living Biblically, not just using Biblical words. They need to see the parents making Biblical choices and responding Biblically to whatever the teen challenges them with. They want to see the parents stand up strong to something they believe in, so they will have an example of what a Godly rebel looks like.

They want to know in their deepest souls that you live what you believe, because if they are going to take on your belief system, they need to see it in action when they press against it and try it in every way.

Our actions must line up with our words and we must live what we preach. If we are always frustrated and angry with our rebel, they will not hear anything we have to say. Our hearts must be right before the Lord and the rebel. If we are humble and forgiving, they just might have an ear to hear.

How Do We Cope?

We cope at the foot of the throne of God; in fact, we do more than cope—we overcome. God says we can come boldly to His throne in our time of need. We can lay low and we can do battle there. We can hear God intercede for our own rebel there. We can hear God’s heart there. We don’t have to just survive the teen years.

Yes, these years can be filled with pain and anguish when the child you’ve poured your love and care into turns against you; when their life choices and their words cut you like a knife.

But, we can live victoriously with our rebel by becoming a rebel ourselves. We need to rebel against the idea that we have been given the wrong child. We need to rebel against the idea that this child needs to conform to be more like our own personality. We need to rebel against the enemy of their soul in mighty-through-God prayer warfare. And, we can thank God in advance for making our child a rebel who will be used for His glory and purposes, and is able to stand against sin.

From the Mouths of Rebels

Let’s hear from two rebels that are very close to my heart: my daughter Hannah, and my daughter-in-law, Abby.

FROM HANNAH:

I am 19 years old, and I am a rebel in every sense of the word. Still to this day whenever anyone tells me to do something, my immediate thought process is to want to do the exact opposite—whether I agreed with them in the first place or not. If I hadn’t previously stated that I agreed, then I immediately want to do the opposite.

There is a difference between being rebellious and being a rebel.

I am a rebel. And as a rebel, I’d like to share with you the message that is being communicated towards us from the Christian and home-school community and parents in general.

Our Words

In Proverbs 18:21, it says there is the power of life and death in the tongue, so our words have weight. Whatever you say to your rebel, they will remember and latch on to, especially if those words are attached to a tone of voice, facial expression, and countenance. A very common mistake when correcting rebels is using verbiage that sends a message to the rebel that who they are at their very core is wrong. Because if they truly are a rebel, then that is what the Lord created them to be: strong-willed and ready to fight against all odds—no matter what. Your words could be telling them that they are a mistake and that they need to be like society around them. Especially if language is used like, “Why can’t you be more like your brother or sister? Why can’t you be more like your mother or your father?” Or even, “Why can’t you be more like Jesus?” (which is a defeated argument anyway because Jesus did some extremely counter-cultural rebellious things for that time period, which is why they crucified Him.)

So, when you tell your rebel that they need to change who they are, or you use language or actions that even suggest that, then that changes the way they view God, themselves, and people in authority—not to mention it seriously damages their relationship with you, the parent. So be mindful of the words that you use when correcting your rebel’s behavior so that you don’t demean who they are as a person.

On the flip side of that, because our words have power, that means you can pray with power! It says in James that the prayers of the righteous avail much. We ourselves are not righteous, but if we’ve accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior, then when God looks at us, He doesn’t see us and all of our sin, but He sees us through His Son’s perfection. He sees you as righteous. That means that you, as a child of God, can pray and intercede on behalf of your rebel and your prayers are heard and they have sway with God.

The Home Battleground

My mom covers the practical and tangible how-to’s and gives advice on parenting rebels in Homeschooling the Rebel (Part 1 and Part 2 WeE-Books are FREE right now in our Welcome Baskets).

But, I would like to stress the very real spiritual aspect of having a rebel in your home. Does your home feel like a battleground? It is. The Lord gave you specifically as a parent to your rebel so that you can help fight and intercede in the battle on their behalf.

The Lord is after rebels. It says in 1 Samuel 16:7 that man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. You may be able to modify your rebel’s behavior but if you don’t address the heart, then you’ve lost the battle.

In Isaiah 29:13, the children of Israel were under the judgment of God and the Lord said it was because they “draw near me with their mouth, and with their lips do honour me, but have removed their heart far from me.” So, the Lord is not so much concerned about your rebel’s outward behavior as He is about the condition of their heart.

The Bible also says in Luke 6:45 that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. That doesn’t mean your rebel means everything they say to you. I said a lot of hurtful things to my parents, but I didn’t mean any of it— it was just an outward sign of a spiritually assaulted heart.

Address the Heart

During my homeschooling teen rebel years, my parents had to step back academically and go for the heart. Homeschooling allowed me to be in an environment 24/7 where my teacher and principal were more concerned about where my soul was going than where my grades could take me.

You can hear a lot about homeschooling and learn a lot of practical ways in dealing with difficult children, but I want to stress the very real and intense battle over the eternal destination of your rebel’s soul. Stand up for your rebel children. Be aggressive in your partnership with God against the attacks of the enemy.

1 Corinthians 2:16 says, “we have the mind of Christ” so use it! When your rebel is slamming doors, fighting with their siblings, or saying hurtful things to you, stop for a moment and ask the Lord what it is that He wants to speak to your child.

Ask the Lord what’s going on in your rebel’s heart. Because if they are a true rebel, Satan fears that, and will try and keep you busy modifying their outward behavior while their heart is being crushed under the weight of the enemy’s attacks—especially if your rebel has the idea that they are not who their parents want them to be.

God is Faithful

God is Faithful! He sees your rebel’s past, present, and future. He sees their heart and all the attacks against it. He sees their mind and the filters they view life from because of the way they were created. He sees all the mistakes that they have made and that have been made against them. He loves them much more than you ever could. It is His desire that they would be with, and have a relationship with, Him.

Keep fighting the good fight. Do not grow weary in doing good. The Lord rewards your obedience, if you are doing the best you can to raise up your rebel to honor and fear the Lord. Remember, He is after our heart, not just our actions. So even if you mess up as a parent with your rebel, the Lord is a Redeemer.

The Lord is after the heart of your rebel; are you? Or are you after their performance? Continue in the fight for your rebel and stand in the gap against the enemy of their soul.

FROM ABBY:

Parents’ words have an enormous impact on their children in both good and bad ways whether they realize it or not. In Proverbs it says: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue…” (Prov. 18:21).

The words of parents can either be used as a tool to build up, strengthen, and mold their children into the image of Christ, or they can be used to break down, destroy, and demean a child into further embracing a spirit of anger and rebellion.

In raising a rebel/strong-willed child, parents must decide what impact they want their words to have on their children and develop that message into an everyday lifestyle of communication and respect that will impact that child and encourage the development of Christ-like behavior.

Are you giving your “rebel” child a message of criticism, disownment, and anger? Or are you giving them a message of love, Christ-like forgiveness, and compassion?

Love Your Rebel

Dads and moms: love your rebel by loving your God and His Word. Love your rebel by spending quality time with them just listening without judgment. They already know what you like and don’t like. Let the Spirit of God convict their hearts about the outward behavior. Let’s give our rebels back to God to Whom they belong. He will be Faithful to them.

What would you want to have accomplished when both of you are gone? I am guessing you would want your rebel with you in God’s Kingdom, whether or not they became a doctor, lawyer, or politician.

Let’s lay aside the heavy robes of judgment with these rebels and put on the hat of guidance counselor as we chart their course for gaining entrance into the Kingdom of God. That is the eternal home where they belong.

Deborah Wuehler is the Senior Editor for TOS, participating author in The Home-school Minute, wife to Richard, and mom to eight gifts from heaven. She loves digging for buried treasure in the Word, reading, writing, homeschooling, and dark chocolate! You may contact her at senioreditor@TheOldSchoolhouse.com.

Hannah Wuehler is a 2012 homeschool graduate and equine massage therapist.

Homeschooling the TEEN Rebel first appeared in the July/August 2014 digital issue of The Old Schoolhouse.

Thank you, ladies, for your wise words! I’m beginning to think perhaps God created a bit of rebel in me, as well. Homeschooling moms will find this encouraging, as well as anyone who regularly interacts with teens.