Talking About Life and Death

by Sally Matheny

Have you ever struggled talking with someone about serious life and death matters? It’s difficult. Especially when you’re a teen.

Jan and I were seventeen years old and looking forward to graduation when it happened.

Growing a Friendship

Our friendship had begun only a year and a half earlier. Jan’s family had recently moved to North Carolina from Ohio. The school year was already in process.

Jan was the new kid without friends.

Sixteen years old, and diagnosed with cancer.

Before Jan’s first day at our school, our Junior Civinettes club leader asked a few of us to go with her to visit Jan at her house. She wanted us to welcome her to the neighborhood and introduce ourselves as her new friends.

We were nervous about going because we had never met anyone our age with cancer. We were told she had Hodgkin’s Disease. I’d never heard of it but felt encouraged when my boyfriend told me his mother had survived Hodgkin’s a few years before he and I met. 

Jan and I became good friends. Our friendship grew as we hung out at school together and spent time at each other’s homes.

Not Talking About Life and Death

We never talked about cancer, or about life and death issues.

We didn’t talk about it when her sandy blonde hair began to fall out. She only asked if I’d help brush the loose hairs off her sweater.  I did, assuring her she looked fine.

We didn’t talk about life and death when she came to school one day wearing a wig and people began to whisper. And stare. I didn’t know what to say, so I just walked alongside her. 

When she grew weaker, we still didn’t talk about serious matters. She only asked if I’d help carry her books.  I did, and when I wasn’t able, other friends offered to help.

Always smiling, Jan had many friends. She made conversation easy for those brave enough to come close to her.

A teen with cancer is a difficult thing to understand.

I tried not to think about it. Jan was fun to be with and I knew she would get well.

So, we never talked about life and death. Not when we had to frequently let her stop and rest when we played tennis,

not when she grew pale and thin, and missed days at school,

not when I drove her to chemotherapy,

not when she had to have a hysterectomy.

I thought life and death were the things people talked about when they got old.

Except Jan didn’t grow old.

She died a few months before our high school graduation.

Missing Opportunities

Then, I panicked because Jan and I had not talked about the deeper truths of life. As nice as she was, I didn’t know if my dear friend believed in Jesus Christ. And then, it was too late.

Sure, I had considered talking to Jan before. But, I was afraid if I talked about such things, she would think I assumed she was going to die.

We were a few short months away from graduation and Jan was as excited about it as I was. Despite her illness, she had worked hard and was on track to graduate with honors.

She never talked about her future plans for college or work, and I didn’t ask her about them. Nor did we ever talk about where she’d spend her eternity.

My heart grieved the loss of my friend and ached because I also had lost the opportunity to share Christ with her. The burden became too great.

Before the funeral, I talked to Jan’s mom. She assured me Jan was a Christian.

Relief came, but not peace. I had failed my friend. I could have been more encouraging to her during her difficult journey. We could have talked about the hope we shared in Jesus Christ. Why had I not prayed with her instead of just privately for her?

Receiving a Bittersweet Gift

I was given a bittersweet gift my senior year in high school—a glimpse of how quickly things pass— opportunities, friends, life.

No one is guaranteed tomorrow. No one.

Granted, I was just seventeen. Perhaps I was too hard on myself. But I wish I’d been braver and talked about important, life-changing things.

It’s not always easy, but it’s vital we talk about the reality of death and the hope of eternal life, no matter what age we are.

I’d love to hear of ways you’ve initiated a conversation with someone about their eternity.

What are some ways we can encourage our teens to courageously make the most of every opportunity?