The Question of Belonging–an Adoptee’s Perspective

As part of Adoption Awareness Month, it is my pleasure to present you with Cindy Stumme’s beautiful post about the question of belonging from an adoptee’s perspective.

The Question of Belonging   

by Cindy Stumme

Adoption raised an awful lot of questions for me as an adoptee. As a small child, I asked about my birth parents. “What did they look like? Why didn’t they keep me?” As a teenager, I wondered what it would be like to live in a family where children and parents were related. Better yet, I wondered if my birth parents were rich and would someday appear to give me money! As I grew into a young adult, I began to wonder if my birth parents ever thought of me, and if I ought to someday seek them out. The questions don’t stop as I age. Now that I am over 50, I wonder if I should have genetic testing done to warn me of hereditary health issues heading my way!

Do I Really Belong?

The toughest question that adoption has raised for me is, “Do I really belong?” The reality of being in an adoptive family but having another, possibly unknown family somewhere else can make [adoptees] wonder if we are part of either one. Relationship disappointments and struggles reinforce the idea and can lead to unhealthy attitudes and choices. 

I have personally struggled with feeling like an outsider, as if I didn’t fit neatly into a group of friends or into my own adoptive family. Even now, when a family member is unkind, I can feel emotions related to rejection, although I know cognitively that the person is just having an off day. If I’m not careful, I can even respond with a little rejecting behavior myself! I am still learning how to stop overreacting out of my personal story. Often my husband gives me practical encouragement: he tells me not to overthink it! He also reminds me that all people experience—and sometimes cause—feelings of not belonging. You certainly don’t have to be adopted to feel disconnection.

Offer Belonging

When I consider the challenges of experiencing and causing disconnectedness, I realize that it is so much more important to offer belonging than it is to receive it. When my first child was born, I was struck by the idea that he was the first blood relative I had ever met. I now have four, actual, physical relatives in my life—my four children! As a young mom, I assumed that our shared DNA would make it easy for me to love them well, and for them to love me in return. It didn’t actually work that way. Love is hard work! At one point when they were entering their teen years, I realized that I was feeling disconnected from them and even slightly resentful of all their demands on my time and attention. God brought conviction into my heart, and I recommitted myself to love them as selflessly as I possibly could. 

The Answer to Belonging

Was the disconnection due to the emotional hurt caused by adoption? Psychologists indicate that there is trauma involved in being adopted that can make it more difficult to feel attachment, so that is certainly possible. But God didn’t leave me in a disconnected state. He pushed me out of my own story, and gave me a desire to make a new story with my own children. 

Through that experience, I have found the answer to the question of belonging. Instead of getting stuck in my own fears of not fitting in, I can make sure that the people in my sphere of influence feel like they have belonging with me. Instead of worrying about rejection and choosing to only venture into safe relationships, I can offer love to those who are unable or unwilling to return it.  And instead of holding past experiences of rejection against friends and family, I can choose to forgive and move on. In the end, it is more powerful to offer belonging than to receive it.

Adoption is a Living Picture of God’s Love

Adoption has become for me a living picture of God’s love. Indeed, the Bible is the story of humankind’s rejection of God, and His enduring mercy and grace. Jesus experienced the ultimate rejection when the people He came to love crucified Him. But even that did not stop God’s love. Through Christ’s death and resurrection, all people can become God’s own adopted children Romans 8:15). 

So, although I still struggle in some ways to feel like I belong, I have learned to focus more on offering belonging, in imitation of Christ. No adoption story is struggle-free, but I know a Savior who can and does redeem and rewrite any story.

The Author

Cindy Stumme is a thankful adoptee who joined her forever family at eight days of age. She is now a US Army Chaplain’s wife, mom of four + two sweet daughters-in-law, and an advocate for building community and connectedness within the Army culture. She currently lives in Germany, where she enjoys traveling with her husband, teaching Bible studies, and hanging out with friends.

Cindy, thank you for sharing your story and for reminding us we are offered the gift of belonging through Jesus Christ.